The premise is simple, provide 30 quotes and ask the participants, “Who Said It? George Bush or 1960s Batman?”
You have one minute to answer . . . provided by Philadelphia sketch group, Secret Pants
A sign telling you what to do if you encounter a mountain lion. Taken while hiking Coal Canyon in California. This is a fairly accurate guideline on how to survive such an encounter.
Product placement has reached the TV “news.” On the desk, in front of the anchors of Las Vegas’s Fox 5 TV “news” sits what appears to be two cups of McDonald’s iced coffee. (The one that’s giving people explosive diarrhea) Yes, McDonald’s is paying for the coffee to be there.
Hang on a sec - have you looked at the nutritional charts for this stuff? 200+ calories and over 34 7 grams of saturated fat? Holy Crap!
Anyway: Yes, the labels are turned to the camera in an unnatural way. Yes, the pawns smile an unnervingly robotic smile.
But Wait! The best part? It’s not even real coffee. It’s just a plastic simulation of iced coffee. From the Las Vegas Sun:
Two cups of McDonald’s iced coffee (BUY!) sit on the Fox 5 TV news desk, a punch-you-in-the-face product placement (BUY!) to chase down your morning news.
They’ve been on the Las Vegas station set for about two weeks, following the lead of a few TV stations across the country, and they’re still looking every bit as frosty and tantalizing (BUY!) as they were the first day you laid your eyes on them.
But wait, here’s the best part: They’re not real. Fake coffee on the real news, two plastic cups permanently filled with some kind of bogus drink. The anchors aren’t even supposed to acknowledge them, McDonald’s reps explain. That’s part of their genius, my little lambs! They get into your mind without you knowing it. So they just sit there, two logo-emblazoned plastic cups, percolating into the psyche. Made-to-scale models that weigh something like seven pounds each — refreshing, and bottom-line boosting!
Curious what’s in ‘em? From the McDonald’s website, these are the ingredients for a Vanilla Iced Coffee:
Premium Roast Coffee. Light Cream: Milk, cream, sodium phosphate, sodium polyphosphate, DATEM, sodium stearoyl lactylate, tetra sodium pyrophosphate, sodium hexametaphosphate, sodium citrate, carrageenan CONTAINS: MILK. Vanilla Syrup: Sugar, water, fructose, natural (plant source) and artificial flavor, caramel color (with sulfites), potassium sorbate (preservative), citric acid, malic acid, Ice.
And are you curious what those long, confusing words mean?
sodium stearoyl lactylate - a solid powder irritating to eyes and skin, and hazardous in case of inhalation.
tetra sodium pyrophosphate - when ingested it can cause nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea.
sodium hexametaphosphate - the Material Safety Data Sheet warns “do not ingest.” Synonym of Sodium Polyphosphate (above).
More details on the rest of the ingredients over at this website.
Yummy, Yum, Yum! I’m Lovin’ It!
The tale of Kobierowski and O’Donnell:
State police say they arrested a man early Tuesday whose blood alcohol level was 0.491 percent — the highest ever recorded in Rhode Island for someone who wasn’t dead.
Kobierowski, 34, of North Providence, was arrested after he drove into a highway message board on Interstate 95 in Providence, O’Donnell said.
After police arrived, Kobierowski had trouble getting out of the car, then grabbed it and refused to move, forcing troopers to carry him to the breakdown lane before taking him back to their barracks, O’Donnell said.
A breath test showed blood alcohol readings of 0.489 percent, followed by 0.491, O’Donnell said, the highest readings state officials could remember for someone who didn’t end up dead.
The legal limit in Rhode Island is 0.08. A level of 0.30 is classified as stupor, 0.4 is comatose and 0.5 is considered fatal, according to the health department.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”
He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me, too!”
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”
I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn’t published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn’t behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
17. No record of working well with colleagues.
1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours.
(Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
2. Find a prostitute and marry her.
Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
This is the lolcat Bible Translation Project, a project dedicated to translating the entire Bible into lolspeak. The Project started in July of 2007 and so far we have 61% of the Bible translated!
Behold Genesis:
1 Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem.
2 Da Urfs no had shapez An haded dark face, An Ceiling Cat rode invisible bike over teh waterz.
3 At start, no has lyte. An Ceiling Cat sayz, i can haz lite? An lite wuz.4 An Ceiling Cat sawed teh lite, to seez stuffs, An splitted teh lite from dark but taht wuz ok cuz kittehs can see in teh dark An not tripz over nethin.5 An Ceiling Cat sayed light Day An dark no Day. It were FURST!!!1
6 An Ceiling Cat sayed, im in ur waterz makin a ceiling. But he no yet make a ur. An he maded a hole in teh Ceiling.7 An Ceiling Cat doed teh skiez with waterz down An waterz up. It happen.8 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has teh firmmint wich iz funny bibel naim 4 ceiling, so wuz teh twoth day.
9 An Ceiling Cat gotted all teh waterz in ur base, An Ceiling Cat hadz dry placez cuz kittehs DO NOT WANT get wet.10 An Ceiling Cat called no waterz urth and waters oshun. Iz good.
11 An Ceiling Cat sayed, DO WANT grass! so tehr wuz seedz An stufs, An fruitzors An vegbatels. An a Corm. It happen.12 An Ceiling Cat sawed that weedz ish good, so, letz there be weedz.13 An so teh threeth day jazzhands.
14 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has lightz in the skiez for splittin day An no day.15 It happen, lights everwear, like christmass, srsly.16 An Ceiling Cat doeth two grate lightz, teh most big for day, teh other for no day.17 An Ceiling Cat screw tehm on skiez, with big nails An stuff, to lite teh Urfs.18 An tehy rulez day An night. Ceiling Cat sawed. Iz good.19 An so teh furth day w00t.
20 An Ceiling Cat sayed, waterz bring me phishes, An burds, so kittehs can eat dem. But Ceiling Cat no eated dem.21 An Ceiling Cat maed big fishies An see monstrs, which wuz like big cows, except they no mood, An other stuffs dat mooves, An Ceiling Cat sawed iz good.22 An Ceiling Cat sed O hai, make bebehs kthx. An dont worry i wont watch u secksy, i not that kynd uf kitteh.23 An so teh…fith day. Ceiling Cat taek a wile 2 cawnt.
24 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has MOAR living stuff, mooes, An creepie tings, An otehr aminals. It happen so tehre.25 An Ceiling Cat doed moar living stuff, mooes, An creepies, An otehr animuls, An did not eated tehm.
26 An Ceiling Cat sayed, letz us do peeps like uz, becuz we ish teh qte, An let min p0wnz0r becuz tehy has can openers.
27 So Ceiling Cat createded teh peeps taht waz like him, can has can openers he maed tehm, min An womin wuz maeded, but he did not eated tehm.
28 An Ceiling Cat sed them O hai maek bebehs kthx, An p0wn teh waterz, no waterz An teh firmmint, An evry stufs.
29 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, the Urfs, I has it, An I has not eated it.30 For evry createded stufs tehre are the fuudz, to the burdies, teh creepiez, An teh mooes, so tehre. It happen. Iz good.
31 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, teh good enouf for releaze as version 0.8a. kthxbai.
Workers at a marble company in Dallas say they have a slab of natural granite that has the image of Jesus in it.
Verona Marble Company Inc. takes pictures of every slab of stone in their inventory and posts them on their website. Wednesday, the owners say a customer in West Texas spotted the image among dozens of pictures and called to tell them about it.
Those who look at the 6×10 foot slab say they can see the head and arms of Jesus, along with either a belt, sword or glowing book. (Source)
I say all 3 are wrong. This is clearly an image of Jesus with a gas pump handle and I am sure this is a direct response to the many Americans who, lacking